


For Those of you Just Joining Us: Primeval

by fandomlver



Series: For Those of You Just Joining Us [4]
Category: Primeval
Genre: Gen, Humour, it's all done with love, possible series
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-22
Updated: 2017-02-13
Packaged: 2018-09-19 07:33:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9426335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fandomlver/pseuds/fandomlver
Summary: Confused about time travel? Not sure whether you need Nick, Stephen,  Claudia, Jenny, Danny, Hilary or Matt? This will answer all those questions. Possibly.





	1. Chapter 1

_Some parking lot somewhere_

HELEN CUTTER: (Runs around, bangs on a shop door)

CLEANER, BUT NOT THE CLEANER, JUST A CLEANER: (Ignores her)

HELEN CUTTER: (Runs away)

 

_Central Metropolitan University_

CONNOR TEMPLE: Let me drop my papers all over you to establish my ‘hapless geek’ credentials.

STEPHEN HART: Let me roll my eyes at you to establish my ‘aloof man of action’ credentials.

NICK CUTTER: Let me point out that despite being your professor, I have no idea who you are, to establish my ‘absent minded professor’ credentials.

CONNOR TEMPLE: Let me show you this strange newspaper cutting.

NICK CUTTER: Let me show you the door.

CONNOR TEMPLE: Let me reference your wife?

NICK CUTTER: Let’s go.

STEPHEN HART: (Rolls his eyes at them) Sure, why not.

 

_Zoo_

ABBY MAITLAND: Ah, watching lizards not mate. What a great job I have.

ABBY’S BOSS: Had.

ABBY MAITLAND: What?

ABBY’S BOSS: What a great job you had. You don’t have a job anymore. Now go and work for us by checking out this boy’s weird lizard.

ABBY MAITLAND: Sure, why not.

 

_Forest of Dean_

CONNOR, STEPHEN and CUTTER examine big scary scratches in a van.

CONNOR: So since I’m the new guy, who wants to give me the backstory?

STEPHEN: Cutter’s missing wife, who you talked about earlier, went missing from this exact area. How come you know she went missing, but literally no other details?

CONNOR: I’m not really the detail guy. Unless it’s literally any other topic but this one.

 

_Somewhere near the Forest of Dean_

ABBY decides that BEN has discovered a new species in REX. BEN is thrilled and offers to show her where he found REX, until he is spooked by a dead COW in a tree and runs off.

 

_A different somewhere near the Forest of Dean_

CUTTER is enjoying a nice glass of something when he suddenly finds CLAUDIA BROWN attached to his lips.

CUTTER: Mmmm?

CLAUDIA BROWN: Sorry. You’re my beard for that creepy guy over there. I, on the other hand, know a lot of things about you, but that’s not creepy.

CUTTER: Not at all. Join me on my secret, unauthorised mission to search for my missing wife?

CLAUDIA BROWN: Sure, why not.

 

_A third, different somewhere near or in the Forest of Dean_

CONNOR: I’ve mentioned I’m a geek, right?

STEPHEN: And I’ve mentioned I’m the action guy?

CONNOR: Excellent, we’re all caught up then.

 

_A fourth, different somewhere near or in the Forest of Dean_

BEN, still running away from the dead COW, sees a sparkly thing in midair. So naturally, he sticks his head in it. The other side has dinosaurs.

BEN: Huh.

A DINOSAUR, or DINOSAUR TYPE THING, chases him home. BEN’s mother manages to totally miss seeing the DINOSAUR, but does see the mess it leaves behind. BEN gets the blame.

 

_Forest of Dean, possibly the third or fourth somewhere_

ABBY, with REX, and CUTTER with EVERYONE ELSE all simultaneously find a DINOSAUR TYPE THING, but not the same DINOSAUR TYPE THING that attacked BEN, a different one. CUTTER attempts to bluff ABBY. He is terrible at bluffing.

 

_Near the Forest of Dean, BEN’s House_

ABBY: …so, in conclusion, REX is a perfectly normal lizard, and we are perfectly normal zoo folks. PS CUTTER, stop glaring at me.

BEN: And that was a perfectly normal window into the past?

CUTTER: Yes, exactly. Good boy. What?

 

_Forest of Dean, possibly the third or fourth somewhere_

CONNOR and STEPHEN are watching the different DINOSAUR TYPE THING when CUTTER and EVERYONE ELSE show up making lots of noise and waving torches. The DINOSAUR TYPE THING runs away and jumps through the Anomaly.

CUTTER: This DINOSAUR TYPE THING did not kill the COW, because – it didn’t. So there’s probably another one around here somewhere.

REX: (Chirps)

CUTTER: Another one apart from you.

CLAUDIA: No one must get near the…

CONNOR: ANOMALY! Ha, I got to name it! Also, my compass is going weird and this thing keeps eating anything made of metal.

 

_Forest of – oh, no, wait. Home Office, presumably London_

JAMES LESTER: I will be in charge of this sorry operation from now on, you bunch of idiots. Go through the ANOMALY, you nitwits.

REX escapes from the scientists by using his wings to fly out the window they left open.

JAMES LESTER: Nincompoops.

REX evacuates his bowels on JAMES LESTER’s fancy suit.

JAMES LESTER: Ninny!

 

_Forest of Dean, somewhere or other_

CONNOR: I think there were sparks between me and ABBY. Did you see sparks? I’m pretty sure those were sparks.

STEPHEN: I have no opinion on this matter.

CONNOR: Oh, before I forget, you’re chasing a GORGONOPSID, basically a killing machine on legs. Good luck with that, I’ll be hanging out over here. Thinking about sparks.

 

_BEN’s school_

BEN: Miss, there’s a DINOSAUR TYPE THING outside.

BEN’s TEACHER: No, there isn’t.

The DINOSAUR TYPE THING tries to eat them.

BEN’s TEACHER: Huh.

STEPHEN: I fire extinguish you!

This does not work. He gets trampled, but not eaten. Lucky him.

 

_Forest of Dean, ANOMALY_

LESTER: Take CAPTAIN RYAN with you. Ignoramus.

CUTTER and CAPTAIN RYAN go through the ANOMALY. On the other side is an abandoned ARMED FORCES CAMP of some kind. There is a camera, which CUTTER steals. There is no HELEN CUTTER, but there is a DEAD BODY. CUTTER cleverly counts the ribs and decides it's a MAN, apparently unaware that that's not actually a way to tell.

CUTTER: Well, I’ll be staying here now.

CAPTAIN RYAN: How ‘bout no.

CUTTER: Yes?

CAPTAIN RYAN: No.

CUTTER: Yes?

CAPTAIN RYAN: MY FIST IN YOUR FACE. Also, if you stay, so do I.

CUTTER: Bah. All right then.

 

_Forest of Dean_

CUTTER: We’re back. Oh hey, GORGONOPSID.

They are all almost eaten, until STEPHEN BIG DAMN HEROES it with a van.

LESTER: Cretin.

 

_Home Office_

CUTTER: Where did you get these pictures of my wife?

LESTER: From the camera you brought back. Dunce.

CUTTER: This means she is in the ANOMALIES somewhere.

CUTTER, STEPHEN, CONNOR and ABBY stride dramatically out of the office.

LESTER: Boneheads.

 

_University, Cutter’s Office_

CUTTER mopes around in his office. HELEN gets around behind him and leaves him a live ammonite.

CUTTER chases her outside.

CUTTER: HELEN! I’m allergic to shellfish!


	2. Chapter 2

_Down in the Underground. No, not that Underground._

It’s very hot, apparently. A giant spider thing attacks someone.

 

_Some cafe, maybe the University?_

CONNOR: I’m doing all kinds of cool things for the Government, but I can’t tell you what.

DUNCAN and TOM, CONNOR’s flatmates: We don’t believe you.

CONNOR: One day you’ll be gutted about that.

He stalks off somewhere, possibly to pray at the altar of Fate that neither of his flatmates is actually gutted. Because that’s the kind of show he’s on.

 

_NICK’s Office_

NICK and STEPHEN look through HELEN’s old papers for references to Anomalies.

STEPHEN: This is pointless.

NICK: Maybe it’s not pointless.

 

_ABBY’s flat_

ABBY dances around in her knickers, because that’s the kind of show she’s on. CONNOR arrives, prompting ABBY to hide REX.

CONNOR: Wow, it’s hot in here. And you’re hot in here. I mean - let’s go look for this ANOMALY!

ABBY: Have you told NICK?

CONNOR: Nah, come on, it’ll be fun! Oh, hey, you have REX. (pointed look)

ABBY: Alright, fine.

 

_Home Office_

LESTER: So everything is mopped up nicely, except for CUTTER. Idiot.

CLAUDIA: Yes, well. We should keep him around, he might be useful.

LESTER: Oh really? How? Stupid.

CLAUDIA: He has - skills.

LESTER: And what skills would those be? Poopy head.

CLAUDIA: (Raised eyebrow of ‘really?’)

 

_NICK’s office_

NICK is still reading HELEN’s papers when CLAUDIA arrives.

NICK: I should have been with HELEN but I was fed up with her and didn’t go and that’s why she’s missing now.

CLAUDIA: That doesn’t make any of this your fault.

 

_Some Wilderness Somewhere_

ABBY and CONNOR are apparently planning to camp out and hope an ANOMALY opens up nearby.

ABBY: And you’re sure you don’t mind sleeping outside because you didn’t bring your own tent?

CONNOR: I did the Duke of Edinborough Award.

ABBY: Did he teach you to leer really disturbingly at young women?

CONNOR: No, I picked that up on my own.

ABBY: Well, good job. Say, do you think STEPHEN’s seeing anyone?

CONNOR: STEPHEN’S GAY ABBY, YOU IDIOT.

ABBY: ...sure. (Stomps off to hide in the really tiny tent)

 

_NICK’s office_

NICK: So when do we tell everyone?

CLAUDIA: Uh, never. We’re never telling everyone.

STEPHEN: Hey, the kids are probably in trouble, we’d best saddle up.

 

_The Wilderness, Which Is Apparently The New Forest_

CONNOR is ‘on watch’, fast asleep, when noises start up and something’s coming and ABBY wakes up and it’s all shadows and movement and ARGH GENAHJRLNIENAFGSFGJO Oh it’s DUNCAN and TOM with an animatronic dinosaur. Because everyone has one of those just lying around the place. Then some police arrive for some reason.

 

_Down in the Underground. Still not that one._

A maintenance worker gets eaten by the spider thing.

 

_New Forest_

NICK has smoothed things over with the police - apparently CONNOR and ABBY were trespassing - but he is Very Extremely Not Happy.

NICK: You’re a loose cannon, CONNOR, and there’s only room for one of those on this team. You’re fired.

CONNOR: I don’t actually work for you…

NICK: Just go home!

ABBY: What about me?

NICK: Well, you called for help and you’re smart. Also if I fire you there’s no girls actually on the team and that’ll just be a PR nightmare. So, you’re fine. (stalks off)

CONNOR: ...I need a lift home…

 

_Hospital  
_  
DR LEWIS: This guy got attacked and poisoned with venom and we’ve never seen this type of venom before.

CLAUDIA: Hmm. That is mysterious.

NICK: (wanders off to peer at the Underground Worker)

 

_Home Office  
_  
LESTER: We can’t close the Underground down just because one guy got bitten. Berk.

NICK: Somebody got dead.

LESTER: Is he dead? Plonker.

NICK: Not yet, but he doesn’t have a name, so…

LESTER: Fine, fine, go do whatever it is you do. Duffer.

 

_Down in the Underground  
_  
CAPT RYAN and his men go to clear out the station and look around. NICK wants to go with them but is held back while they ‘clear the area’. None of them are looking up even though they know they’re probably dealing with insects.

Eventually they find an old dorm left over from the Blitz, one assumes, and get jumped by tons of the spider things. They bale out again, because cat size spiders? Not in the Special Forces manual.

NICK and STEPHEN listen to RYAN’s description and diagnose over oxygenation; the Carboniferous Era, 300 million years ago. They gear up to go in. ABBY gets ready as well, over CLAUDIA’s objections.

Armed with torches, the three head into the lair, because RYAN’s proved himself useless already.

NICK: Look, they hate light!

ABBY _immediately_ finds one sitting right beside the wall mounted light. Maybe that one was blind.

ABBY: Hey, look, a massive hole in this wire wall. Let’s get in on that!

They find the ANOMALY on the other side, watching as some of the bug things go through. ABBY sees a really massive centipede thing wandering around behind some barrels. After a moment it attacks, and in trying to get away they’re separated.

NICK thinks he hears HELEN calling him, so he runs off to find her.

STEPHEN and ABBY make it back up to the street, and CLAUDIA refuses to let them back down until they know what’s down there. She calls in CONNOR to help. STEPHEN sneaks off while her back is turned.

STEPHEN uses a welding torch to fend off the bugs, because the torch he had before just wasn’t manly enough. The magnetic pull of the ANOMALY grabs it off him, though, and the CENTIPEDE THING attacks.

Up above, CLAUDIA has realised STEPHEN is gone.

CLAUDIA: I side with SUSAN STO HELIT on this matter. He’s a bloody hero. RYAN, send your guys in again, would you?

Below, STEPHEN maybe hallucinates a woman or possibly doesn’t.

NICK’s still wandering around randomly. He eventually gets back to the ANOMALY area and finds STEPHEN.

STEPHEN: I can’t feel my legs.

NICK: Yeah, but I’m sure you can walk fine.

He can.

STEPHEN: Also, HELEN’s alive.

RYAN’s guys find them.

CONNOR: ...so basically, not poisonous.

CLAUDIA: Oh good.

NICK: STEPHEN’s been bitten by the centipede and he’s dying just like the other guy!

CLAUDIA: Oh, well done, CONNOR!

CONNOR: Look, I’m working off a fossil of one hind leg, what do you want from me? Was the other guy attacked by the spider thing and then the centipede as well? Sucks for him...

STEPHEN: Hey, ABBY, want to go on a date with me?

ABBY: Sure, why not, you’ll probably die before I have to do it. I mean, not die!

 

_HOSPITAL  
_  
DR LEWIS: We need a clean sample of venom so we can make an anti venom, which might kill him anyway, but it’s the only way.

 

_Down in the Underground_  
  
RYAN and his men are clearing out the bugs by scaring them through the ANOMALY with bright lights. He, NICK, CLAUDIA and some other guys go looking for the CENTIPEDE, but eventually they decide it must have gone back through the ANOMALY.

CONNOR: Hey, maybe it made a hole somewhere! But I’m sure you would have noticed that while you were searching for the spider things.

RYAN: Shut up, kid.

NICK, RYAN and CONNOR crawl through the CENTIPEDE hole. They find themselves in what looks like a water treatment centre.

NICK: Remember, you have to let it bite me.

RYAN: No problems there.

NIK: Don’t shoot him until then.

RYAN: I understand.

NICK: And no one try to stop it.

RYAN: Not going to be a problem.

The CENTIPEDE obligingly bites NICK in the arm, dodges some bullets from RYAN, partly eats a stool wielded by CONNOR and then shoves its head into an electrical box and kills itself. The men celebrate and then head off, leaving it there for some poor worker to fall over.

CONNOR: Hey, we’re lucky it only bit through the top layer of that IV bag on your arm and not the bottom layer, aren’t we, CUTTER?

NICK: Flurble hajkmewn.

CONNOR, RYAN: Hahahhahaha!

 

_Hospital, presumably six to eight weeks later after the antivenom was produced_

CONNOR attempts to be comforting to ABBY. It sort of works, but then STEPHEN wakes up and that’s even better.

CLAUDIA: So let’s talk about HELEN.

STEPHEN: Why?

CLAUDIA: Well, you saw her.

STEPHEN: I did?

CLAUDIA: In the tunnels.

STEPHEN: Oh, I don’t remember anything at all that happened after I got bitten. Not even one little thing. Nothing I said, nothing anyone else said, nothing I saw…

ABBY: You don’t remember anything at all?

STEPHEN: Nope, sorry. But thanks for looking after me. You’re such a good friend!

 

_Down in the Underground_

CONNOR: Can I be back in the club then?

NICK: Yeah, sure, whatever. Now buzz off so I can angst over my possibly dead maybe alive wife.

CONNOR buzzes. NICK angsts.


End file.
